i love my kids.
madly.
i adore every precious inch of them.
but there are very few nights where i am not ready for my kids to go to bed, come bedtime.
but then, as soon as i walk out of the boys' room, i always find myself trying to determine if today was a good day.
did we learn something new today?
did we eat good food?
did we get outside?
did we play with other kids?
were we creative?
did we fight?
did we talk about jesus?
did i let my kids be kids?
did we laugh enough?
and then i start shuffling images of our day through my brain.
images of us playing, reading, eating, learning.
and - reluctantly - the images of chet sitting in a time out, me refusing to pick holden up even if that is the one simple thing he wants, me choosing not to race down the hallway with chet, me losing my mind when my kids follow me ev-ry-where.
and then i often wish the day wasn't over.
and that it wasn't bedtime yet.
that i could try again.
try to be a kinder mom. a more patient mom.
a mom that spends more time doing those fun things, and less time being selfish.
that's always when i realize that chet is just a three year old boy.
and holden is still a baby.
and then my heart aches a little bit.
because a good chunk of the day, i am chet and holden's everything.
and most days, when i do my end-of-the-day evalutaion, i realize that i have lots of work to do, when it comes to mothering.
but, the day is over. and it is bedtime.
and i don't get to do that day again.
it's gone.
luckily - cliche as it may sound - tomorrow is a new day.
and i can strive to be a better everything tomorrow.
so, i just need to get my act together.
NOW!
i want chet and holden to look back and remember nothing but joy from these years.
and so much love.
and me too.
i don't want regrets.
eew. my brain can't handle regrets!
i want to look back and say,
'ya, i totally miss those days...
but only because they were everything i could have hoped they'd be.'
dear: future chet & holden.
sorry for sucking some days.
sincerely: the mom you are stuck with for eternity.
