i love it when girls share their delivery stories, so i made a special effort to record the details of mine the night after i delivered. not necessarily for the purpose of sharing it, but more because i wanted to have it documented for my own sake. i have added a few more details since i initially wrote it down. and it has gotten quite long, i know. so i will understand if no one reads it! there are lots of pictures at the end. so feel free to scroll on down.
i went into preterm labor at 29 weeks. the doctor was able to stop the contractions to let baby grow a little longer but eventually they started up again, and never completely stopped until i delivered. it was all very similar to when i was pregnant with chet. the contractions would come for several hours at a time and then fade off for the rest of the day. although i did not like them, they were never more then i could handle. but on monday june 25 i started to have some really uncomfortable contractions early in the morning (about 2am). the pain was lower then usual and, at times, took my breath away. i was able to eventually fall back asleep a few times but in the morning the contractions were still coming quite regularly and very strong. matt headed off to work as usual, and i tried to go ahead with my normal morning routine of tidying the house, walking tank, and feeding chet breakfast.
[a funny side story (which did not seem funny at the time)... i had left chet in our apartment to run our trash to the dumpster with tank at about 10am and chet locked me out! usually if i ever choose to leave him quick like that i take our apartment keys just in case. but i wasn’t feeling very well, and my hands were full, so i had forgot. when i got back to the apartment i was so frustrated. i could hear chet but he had no interest in opening the door for me! i was sitting in a ball of pain outside our front door waiting for matt to hurry back from work to save me when our neighbor right across from us came outside and told me that it was super easy to break into these apartments. her husband grabbed a screwdriver and honestly had the door open in about 10 seconds. this isn’t something that makes me feel very safe but i was so just happy to get inside!]
after that little episode i rushed off to chet’s swim lesson at 11am. matt thought i was crazy for going, but i was hoping that wading in the cool water would help ease the contractions. it didn’t. and i think chet could sense that i didn’t want to be there because he was acting like he didn’t want to be there either. then we had to walk home. i kept having to stop with every contraction and wait out the pain. i’m sure i looked ridiculous!
now i’m at home.. the contractions were about 7 minutes apart and had me paralyzed when they hit. i wanted my doctor to check me out but i knew we had a long drive to get to him so i wanted to make sure this wasn’t a false call. i called matt and we decided it would be worth the journey up to american fork. he would come home at 2pm and we would start the 2 hour drive. i showered and we packed up enough stuff to survive with if the baby actually was going to come. that was the first time we had 2 car seats in the back of our car! it looks very busy back there now.
the drive was stressful. matt was trying his best to hurry and i was trying to deal with the pain. thankfully chet slept most of the way so we didn’t have to worry about him, and he was well rested for the adventures that were to come.
we drove all the way up to the hospital in american fork because that is where my doctor works out of. once i got checked in, a doctor (not mine) prescribed me a series of 3 pills to slow the contractions. but, after the 3rd, i was still contracting. so then they checked me... 7cm and 100%. oh dear. you should have seen the nurses face. she was such a drama queen! but no wonder i had spent most of the day bent over in pain! at that point, i was told there was no way i was going home. i was rushed to labor and delivery, attacked with more needles and pills then i knew what to do with, and thrown in an ambulance to be transported to utah valley in provo (because they have a better NICU). it all happened sooo fast. i was scared. and the ambulance ride was awful. i was so jealous of matt and chet who got to drive themselves over to our new hospital.. and stop at mcdonalds on the way. i got to my new labor and delivery room at about 7pm and was told that i would be lucky to make it through the next 12 hours before delivering. ideally they wanted baby to hang on a couple more days so he would be 34 weeks, but they weren’t counting on it. (34 weeks was still 4 days away).
[this was when my parents left calgary to come help us..]
we hung out in our big, fancy labor and delivery room the rest of the night. chet went to sleep in a travel crib in the corner and didn’t make a peep until the next morning. seriously could we ask for a better kid?! i don’t think so.
the contractions had totally stopped by 9pm and now it was a waiting game. it was a long night. we were both exhausted, but i couldn’t sleep. at 3am i woke matt up sobbing. i wanted to go home. it sounds ridiculous, i know, but i hate hospitals and i was so emotional...so i really wanted to go home. matt is so patient with me. he got up and sat on my bed for an hour talking me through my irrational thoughts and playing games with me. at about 4am we turned off the lights. and then at 6:45am the real fun began...
i woke up to go to the bathroom for, what seemed like, the hundredth time that night. but this time was special because while i was washing my hands my water broke! i was in shock. and totally grossed out! i called to matt. he opened the door to see me standing in a giant puddle and who-knows-what and saying “i think my water broke..” duh! that was at 6:45am.
i got back in my bed. the nurse came in to check me. i still had no contractions and i hadn’t changed from the 7cm i was the night before. at that point i am clarifying (for the 97th time) that i want an epidural - i NEED an epidural. she calls the doctor. since baby was clearly going to the NICU the nurse unlocks my bed to move it to the OR to deliver. then contraction number 1 hits me. it was unreal. it felt like the baby was already on it’s way out, and i was freaking out. i was actually on the phone with my mom, checking to see how much further they had to drive, when the pain hit. my mom said “oh pam, don’t cry. it will be ok.” and i snapped back “i’m not crying, i’m having a contraction! i can’t talk. bye.” my mom says that she got off the phone with me, called my sister, and when she hung up there was a text from matt with a picture of the baby. so.. things moved really fast from this point! the nurse stops moving the bed and she checks me again. i was 10cm! i didn’t even know it was possible to dilate that fast. it had seriously only been a couple minutes. now the doctor is paged to RUN to the OR.
as they were wheeling me to the OR i am frantically explaining that “i can’t do this without the epidural. i can’t do this without the epidural!” and i meant it with all my heart.
we get to the OR. contraction number 2 hits and i couldn’t believe how much my body wanted to push. with chet i wanted nothing to do with pushing but, with this baby, it was like i couldn’t stop myself. i am so terrified by this point. there is honestly no better word to describe me. TERRIFIED. shaking. i am still frantically asking for the epidural so the doctor tells me to roll over on my side and he starts wiping my back at the injection site. i am clinging to the side of the bed when the nurse says “stop! the baby’s head is right there!”. what?? no! so now they are telling me i’m not going to get an epidural and are trying to convince me to roll on my back to push. but there was not a bloody chance i was letting go of that bedside. “i can’t do this! i can’t do this!” finally i get the guts to let go of the bedside in exchange for matts neck. i literally put him in a headlock and contraction number 3 hits. 1 wimpy push and baby is out. it was insane! unfortunately, neither matt or i saw a thing because i was holding onto his neck for dear life! i had delivered a baby without any medication. that was the last thing i ever wanted to do, but i did it! the time of birth was 7:07am... just 20 minutes after my water broke. holy smokes. thank goodness we didn't go home like i had wanted. we would have been in major trouble. baby was 4lbs 12oz. and 18.5 inches long. he was much bigger then i was expecting, that’s for sure. i honestly don’t know where he was hiding all these months!
i got to hold baby for about 10 seconds - just long enough to kiss his tiny head and snap an ugly picture. he looked so small and that scared me. but he was screaming like crazy, and the doctor assured me that was a very good thing. matt and baby left for the NICU and i was wheeled back to my room where chet was just waking up. the nurse got him some crackers and juice and we sat in bed watching thomas the train and waiting for news on chet’s new baby brother.
i got to meet and hold baby at about 10am. it seemed like a very long couple hours of waiting to see my sweet boy. but it was worth it. i still don’t feel like he is mine, but i sure do love every inch of him. my parents arrived at about 3pm. we are so grateful for their help. we were exhausted and needed some extra hands. they got to meet baby and see chet meet baby. it was too fun. chet said “hi buddy!” when he saw him. he definitely doesn’t understand what is going on yet though. he is still under the impression that the baby we have been talking about for the past few months is in HIS tummy! hmm...
we had 2 names we really liked for this baby. it was super hard to decide which one we liked best. we played a bunch of games again to try and make a decision but it wasn’t until we got to hold him later that night that we decided that Holden Emmett was the perfect name for him. randomly, his first nurse in the NICU had the last name holden, so it’s like it was meant to be!
physically this recovery has been a breeze. i can’t get over how good my body has felt. my recovery wasn’t bad with chet, but this time i haven’t had much to complain about. a couple hours after delivery i felt just fine walking up to the NICU. (although chet thought it was more fun to get wheelchair rides with me instead!) the worst part might be that my back is covered in a terrible rash from the epidural prep. it happened with both deliveries. i guess i am just allergic to whatever they wipe on your back to prep you for the injection. but this time it doesn’t seem fair to have to deal with the rash because i didn’t even get to reap the benefits of the epidural! since i was contracting for weeks before delivery, my body hadn’t gained hardly any weight. in fact, i was losing it near the end. it was like a constant workout of contractions and fighting against contractions. in the end my total weight gain was less then what holden weighed, so that is one less thing i have to worry about! i guess that is one small perk to having a premie. so ya, physically is has been easy. emotionally.. not so much. there is just so much stress and heartache involved in having a sick baby. it makes me a little... unstable. some days are much better then others, but i think the next month is going to be seem very long! thank goodness i have the sweetest husband on the planet and an incredible mom who plans on sticking by my side through this whole mess.
yes, my mom is here with me because matt has to go back to richfield for work. and since holden is stuck here, i am stuck here. there is no way i could be here with chet and holden on my own. even with my mom here i am absolutely torn between my two boys. i wish i could spend all day with both of them. but chet is only allowed in the NICU for short visits on weekends. so that makes everything very tricky. we are currently staying in the hospital guest house. it isn’t ideal. it is like a hotel and doesn’t feel super cozy. but it couldn’t be closer to the hospital, and i really like knowing that i am just a short walk from my sweet little holden.
poor chet is so thrown off his groove lately. it kills me. he keeps saying that he wants to go home and i wish so bad i could give him that. i know just how he feels, i want to go home too. please please please keep holden and chet in your prayers. it would mean the world to me! and thanks for all the prayers that have been offered already. we know there have been many!
